Sunday, July 27, 2014

Dragged Kicking and Screaming Into the Modern Age

This is a dark day for me. I probably should be celebrating, like any normal nitwit, but instead I am filled with trepidation. Yesterday I got an iPhone, and I can already tell I'm dumber.

For example, I am not sure I got the right color. Or maybe it's the protective case that's wrong. See, I got the blue phone, but when I put the pink case over it you can hardly see the blue, except for on the back where it's pink with blue dots. It's even got a name: The Peek-A-Boo. This bugs me. See, I wasn't thinking clearly already!

In my own defense, I didn't actually buy it, my husband got it for me, saying I MUST have one now that I have an art gallery and need to be able to run credit cards on something called a Square, on my new phone. It's all very technical, but it seemed to make sense at the time. Although now less so, and I have only had it for one day.

Anyway, I saw Invasion of the Body Snatchers years ago--both versions-- and I think this is how they are invading our brains circa 2014.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Damn Cake

Today is my husband's birthday and for some reason I ended up eating a ridiculous amount of chocolate cake because he was born 57 years ago. FYI, it was from Whole Foods and one of the best cakes I have ever had--certainly among the top five--but still, I don't really like chocolate cake, it wasn't my birthday, and even if it were, what's cake got to do with it?

Even worse, this particular cake wasn't even for Mitch, it was given to his twin who brought it over for dinner with several slices missing from an earlier celebration of the same occasion. So I did my wifely duty and ate all those sugary empty calories from a cake that said "Happy Birthday Neil." And for what reason? Are we not all fat enough already that we have to run around eating cake just because someone was born? People are born every day--in fact 360,000 of them were born just today worldwide. Do they all need a cake every damn year? What's wrong with a little fruit cup or maybe a slice of cheese and an apple?

I looked up the origin of the tradition of eating cake to celebrate birthdays and it turned out to be the Germans who started it all. Ha! Figures.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Turning Off the Noise

                               Gordon Studer
I am so sick of the Internet I cannot even find the words. This will be my attempt to find the words, as I am hereby taking leave of the Internet for a detoxification process that I hope clears my brain. If I have any brains left after bombarding them with crap day in and day out, like Cameron Diaz was insulted by an interviewer, Kim Kardashian is pregnant, and there's a fabulous blog called Garden Rant that knows a lot about gardening, duh, what's so damn hard--you dig a hole, dump in some seeds and water.

I don't want to read any more tips on how to lose weight, how to stay young, how to firm my skin, how to keep my man interested, how to change my gender, and what's wrong with Israel. I am sick of Hamas and Boko Whoever who took all those girls in whatever country that was.

There's too much information coming into my head and it's bursting with stuff I don't need to know. I don't want to watch any more cute videos of babies or kitties or dogs getting all excited when their owner returns from Afghanistan or Iraq, besides my dogs always got that happy, even happier, whenever I came back from the supermarket so shut up.

Call Me Madcap! is going bye-bye. It will return when there is something interesting to say, when I see a movie that begs to be reviewed or when Hell freezes over. This is all because I don't know how to post my blog without turning on my computer, and when I turn on my computer all that stuff about ending varicose veins and 10 foods to avoid diabetic nerve pain and Hillary in 2016 shows up, and I simply cannot take another minute of it.

Who Needs Therapy?

I just received an email that divulges "12 easy ways to get younger." I am pretty excited about it. One of the ways is to "think happy thoughts." Who knew? I am quitting my shrink today. Anyway, following are the lyrics to "Whistle a Happy Tune" from the Broadway musical, "The King and I." I print them here as a public service:

Whenever I feel afraid
I hold my head erect
And whistle a happy tune
So no one will suspect
I'm afraid.

While shivering in my shoes
I strike a careless pose
And whistle a happy tune
And no one ever knows
I'm afraid.

The result of this deception
Is very strange to tell
For when I fool the people
I fear I fool myself as well!

I whistle a happy tune
And every single time
The happiness in the tune
Convinces me that I'm not afraid.

Make believe you're brave
And the trick will take you far.
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Movin' On Up

President Obama, who seems to have an amazing capacity for relaxation, is apparently tired from all his partying and golfing and so is once again going on vacation in Martha's Vineyard, this time for more than two weeks. 

According to ABC NEWS, "The first family will travel to the island from Aug. 9 to Aug. 24, making the 15-day getaway the longest summer vacation of Obama’s presidency. While the location of their vacation home was supposed to be under wraps, neighbors confirmed to the local newspaper that the Obamas will be staying at a luxurious home owned by Joanne Hubschman, whose late husband, Henry, was a former executive at General Electric. The 17-room house, worth an estimated $12 million, sits on a 10-acre lot and features an infinity pool, a dual tennis-basketball court, an indoor gym and views of the Vineyard Sound, according to the Martha’s Vineyard Times." 

Lord knows Michelle can use a break from her tough job too.

Googly Christmas

My husband, who until now wanted a motorcycle, now wants Google glasses. This news hit me harder than when he told me he was joining an exercise cult, since it essentially it spells the end of all contact between us, unless we shower together which we can't always because of our schedules.

If he goes forward with this foolhardy plan he will always be on the Internet and I will have to text all conversation. Since I am so bad at texting I've been doing some practice texts so I'll be ready by Christmas:
Pls get mlk on way home
IMHO I'm havng stroke, call 911
House burning, leave asap, LOL

There are more, but those cover the basics.

High School Scammers

One Sunday morning about six weeks ago, two attractive girls from the local high school knocked on our door. They were out selling cookie dough in a fundraising effort for a trip to the Dominican Republic. It was something to do with helping impoverished people get water, and we chatted for awhile about whether or not they should take malaria pills before the trip and how hot it would be there in July.

Buckets of the gooey stuff came in in a variety of flavors at 15 bucks a pop. I bought one, chocolate chip as a I recall, not only to help their cause but to actually make some cookies. The girls said to expect delivery in two weeks.

That was then. Nothing has arrived. I never saw either of those girls again. Three calls to Freeport High School have gone unanswered, the last one involving a long message left in the principal's voice mail.

As it happens I am happy the stuff never showed up as I have recently been trying to lose weight and have met with modest success, thanks to no cookies or anything remotely like cookies. But still, one wonders just what they are teaching kids in school these days.